Feature: “I am the Grammarian About Whom Your Mother Warned You”

By Elizabeth Milo

When I was a kid, my mom knew I would be different when my favorite task was matching all of the markers to the right color of cap.  I’ve always had a touch of OCD, and one of my enduring quirks is my love of making lists.  I used to write them on sticky notes, in my planner, even on my hand.  I’m a member of the Facebook group “I love to make lists.” I love to categorize all of my items, put them in sequential order, use my super neat handwriting to make the list look nice, and I love the satisfied feeling of crossing something off the list when it’s done.  I especially love merging multiple partially completed lists into one new, fresh list.  So, it’s only natural that I wanted to write a list of some kind for my next editorial-- but what should it be?  A list of books to read over the summer?  Overdone. A list of favorite movie quotes?  Fun, but not relevant… You see my conundrum?  I stumbled upon my answer the other day, though, when considering the state of our language: a list of grammar rules that everybody should learn.  Not rules to follow, but to learn.

After a conversation with a few friends (who shall remain unnamed) the other day, I realized that even among the educated elite of our generation, there is a woeful lack of common knowledge about the rules of the English language.  Some of you may remember I wrote an editorial a few weeks ago about why we shouldn’t be concerned that the English language is changing, and I stand by that.  What concerns me now, though, is that fewer and fewer students are learning and retaining the rules of the English language.  If one intends to argue that it is unimportant to learn or follow a specific rule, one should be able to properly identify that rule and present a case as to why it is unnecessary.  There are plenty of rules I find outdated, but I would not be able to argue against them adequately if I didn’t know what they were and why they were invented in the first place.

The English language is changing every day, but it takes some time for the rule book to catch up to the way that people are speaking on a day-to-day basis.  Every year, the newest edition of the MLA handbook comes out so that professors can assign their Writing 101 students to purchase a copy as a reference guide and the Modern Language Association can make more money; but the differences between Editions 3 and 6 are so few, you would have to go through the book with a fine-tooth comb to find them.  (Should I put one space or two after this period in this very specific citation? What to do, what to do??)  Big changes in our language take place over long periods of time and can only be noticed when comparing samples from two different eras.  Metaphorically, as we grow older, we rarely notice day-to-day changes in our appearance; after a year or two we may note some differences, but we see the starkest contrast when looking at ourselves as infants and aged adults side-by-side.  Language change works the same way: we may only see a few differences in our lifetime, but when we compare examples from hundreds of years apart, we start to see big differences.

My list for you is not a list of English rules that I think you should follow-- It is a list of rules that you should go out and learn about so that you can make up your own mind as to whether they are important or not.  Although there’s not much chance that any controversial rules are going to be thrown out the window, there is always an interesting and ongoing debate about those rules that any English speaker has the right to join.  But if you want to play, you have to know the rules of the game. Literally. Sometimes it’s not enough to go by ear or feel when deciding if something is correct.  If you want to see an old-fashioned rule eliminated because it sounds awkward or clumsy, you need to have more back-up to your argument.  What’s the part of speech?  What’s the purpose of that rule?  How could confusion be avoided if the rule were changed?  Knowing about your language and how you use it makes you a dangerous and skilled wielder of words.

Remember, this is a list of rules that you should learn the names of and be able to identify in a line-up, not that I think you should blindly follow. I didn’t define them because part of the challenge is for you to find out what they are on your own.  Once you do that, though, I hope you will come back and share your informed decisions with me.  I added my vote at the end of each in the hopes it will entice you back to engage in a lively conversation, whether you agree with me or not.

Milo’s Relatively Short List of Nit-picky Rules that You Should Learn to Identify and Use Correctly so as to Better Support Your Choices in Your Speech and Writing

1). The Dangling Participle—much dreaded among school teachers and students alike, this common error can cause some genuine confusion (Milo’s vote: for)

2). Never End a Sentence with a Preposition—a volley of arguments is constantly flying back and forth over the validity of this rule (Milo’s vote: against)

3). Misplaced Modifiers—like a bad melon, once you learn to identify them, they will never slip past you again (Milo’s vote: for)

4). The Oxford Comma—the result of too many stylistic formats, it lies at the heart of the MLA v. AP debate (Milo’s vote: for)

5). That vs. Which—to master this rule, you have to really know your parts of speech, including clausal phrases (Milo’s rule: against)

6). Split Infinitives—another rule teachers tend to be sticklers about; this rule sometimes has to be broken to make the intent of the writer clear (Milo’s vote: against)