Those With Writing Experience Need Not Apply

By C. Sterling

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It may sound like a fictional place but the Vomiting School of Writing does exist. It has to. Just look around at the multitude of “authors” that have graduated from the place. They’re everywhere. Agents and publishers know what I’m talking about. They see the Vomit graduate’s work every day. The following is a reenactment of true events. The names have been changed to protect the writer from further embarrassment.

It was a usual day at the office. Stacks of manuscripts were piled on Ted’s desk waiting in silence for the verdict: Would they be tossed in the trash? Expressed mailed back to their creator? Or live on as a book? He was the decider. The person who, on a bad hair day, could simply with a stroke of a pen kill a story and end a dream. But today was a good day. No wild hairs. He picked up a manuscript, sat back in his chair and began to read when Larry entered the room.

“You gotta take this guy’s call,” Larry said, handing the receiver to him.
“Who is it?” Ted asked, reluctant to take the call.
“A writer.”
“One of ours?”
“Nope. But trust me, this one will make your day.” Larry took Ted’s hand and firmly placed the receiver in it. “Trust me. You don’t want to miss this call.”
Ted’s curiosity was peaked. Maybe it was a famous author. Maybe…just maybe…it was James Patterson.
“Hello, this is Ted Andersen,” he introduced himself in his best “I am the publisher” voice. “How can I help you?”
“Ted, Ronnie Greer, here. I was just telling Larry, er, somebody, that you have a manuscript of mine. I Fed Ex’ed it to you yesterday. It should be on your desk. Anyway,” he continued without taking a breath. “ I just want to you know that before you make any decision I won’t accept anything less than a $5,000,000 advance and a promotional budget of $2,500,000. Got that, Ted? I won’t accept anything less.”
Ted glanced up at Larry who was actually giggling like some high school girl sharing secrets about a new boyfriend. “It gets better,” Larry whispered. “Honest.”
“Ronnie, have you been published before?” Ted inquired, uncertain whether or not he was falling victim to a colleague’s practical joke.
“Nope, can’t say I have Ted.”
“Then why do you think you deserve such a high advance and promotional budget?” Ted was sincerely interested in Ronnie’s response.
“Well Ted, because the novel is unique. I guarantee that you have never read anything like it. Everyone says so. Even my mom, who reads a lot of books, just loves it. My wife who doesn’t like much of anything I do encouraged me to send it publishers. And my instructor wants to use it in his class as an example.”
“As of example of what?” Ted inquired, shaking his head.
“Not quite sure yet, Ted. I’m guessin’ that I’m his best student.”
“Why not get yourself an agent? I’m sure your instructor suggested that to you.”
“Don’t need an agent when your work speaks for itself. It says so right here in my handbook.”
“I guess there’s some truth in that.” Ted rubbed his forehead with fingers.
“And I read that writers should be paid, Ted. Paid. Writers shouldn’t pay. And all those agents want is your money. Most are scams.”
“You don’t say?” Ted cast a disapproving look in Larry’s direction.
“Ted?”
“Yes, Ronnie?”
“I think there’s one more thing you should know. I worked real hard on this book. I deserve to get paid for my creativeness and my time.”
“How long did it take for you to write your novel?” Ted asked, innocently.
“Three weeks,” Ronnie answered. “Three long weeks.”
By now Larry was on the floor, rolling with laughter. He stopped for a moment and whispered to Ted, “Give the guy the five million.”
“Ronnie?”
“Yes, Ted.”
“I have some bad news for you. We were going to offer you a two million dollar advance and a half million advertising budget. But since we are so far apart in our thinking, I’m going to have Larry Fed Ex your manuscript back to you today. Hey, but thanks for thinking of us.”
Before Ronnie had the chance to say any more, Ted hung up the phone and joined Larry on the floor, where to this very day, they are still laughing.

Before returning the manuscript to the author, both Ted and Larry took turns reading from Ronnie’s work entitled The Old Man and the Ocean. They shared it with the entire editorial staff. Production even did a mock cover complete with visible watermarks from tears…tears of laughter and intense sadness.

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