Writing Tips: Tone Exercise Two

Tone Exercise Two
Objective: To add tone to a flat scene

Part 1
The following scene is an example of flat writing. Read the sample.

Shortly after they were seated, Dan and Wendy ordered a magnificent dinner of crab legs, French onion soup and half a dozen whisky sours. Before they knew what was happening, they found themselves at a motel a few blocks away from the restaurant, checking in for the night. The night clerk thought they looked like a couple of honeymooners who couldn’t wait to get into the sack. They were clinging to each other, kissing and rubbing each other all over. Dan even had a hard time getting in the elevator, because Wendy was pawing at him nonstop. The moment they entered their room, Wendy tore off Dan’s shirt and jeans, and Dan shucked off her skirt and oversized blouse. Wendy clasped Dan around the middle and pushed him back onto the bed.

Part 2

Now rewrite the scene giving it tone. As written, it is virtually a direction from a movie script. It is extremely distant, cold and clinical, despite its sexy premise. About passion, it is nevertheless passionless. It is as if a reporter is in the bedroom, taking notes. We know these people are attracted to each other simply because of their physical movements and because the writer implies they have sex.

What sort of emotion can you add to this passage to make it more involving, more human, more moving? In other words, how can you give it tone? Here are some things to ask yourself:

1. In whose viewpoint is this interlude taking place, Dan’s or Wendy’s? In other words, who is observing and reflecting on the action?
2. What is Dan’s and Wendy’s relationship? Is it clandestine or not? Is this their first tryst or their tenth? Could they be a married couple?
3. What do they feel for each other? Do they each feel the same way about each other?
4. What sort of people are Dan and Wendy? Are they basically decent or not? Shouldn’t we know something about their personalities?
5. How well do they know each other?
6. What might they say to each other?
7. What words might reveal their feelings?
8. Is the night clerk important here? Would you lose anything by getting rid of him?

Tone Exercise One

For more helpful tips and exercises, visit www.sterlinghouse-bookstore.com and check out:
Writing Aerobics I by C. Sterling and M. Davidson

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